Welcome to the first ever TL:DR Raw Review! I’m Jarrod and I’ll be writing my Raw Review as I watch, so I guess you could say it’s live. And if not, I don’t care. You can call it the poop shoot man bun ramble for all I care, but you’ll read it, and you’ll appreciate it. Tomorrow I will be doing the same with Smackdown and the next day I’ll be doing NXT and then when it’s PPV time, I’ll be doing that too. I love you, well not you, but you. Don’t tell my wife but I think you’re really great. Thanks in advance for letting me waste your time. Oh, and don’t yell at me for typos!

We start off with a recap of last week where Balor won the shot against Rollins for the universal title and the Women’s Championship match which was amazing. And we get to start the show with my third favorite Woman in the world, Sasha Banks. It’s official that they will have their rematch at Summerslam now so we should get another amazing match up. It’s nice being able to say that Charlotte had a good match. Sasha points out that last year around this time, Her and Bayley stole the whole weekend at NXT Takeover. Of course Charlotte interrupts her, hey she’s got more than one outfit, what do you know! The crowd is hot tonight with the “You tapped out!” chants. There is an absence of Troll Brookes, which is great. Yay! Jericho comes out telling them to be quiet in the greatness that he does. He’s such gold on the mic. Apparently Jericho and Charlotte are in cahoots? Jericho is talking her up pretty big and drops the good ol’ “Stupid Idiot!” Whhhhaaaaatttttttttt…….here comes Enzo! Jericho and Enzo on the mic at the same time?! Am I in Heaven?! I’m guessing we are setting up a mixed tag team match for later. Enzo and Sasha are going back and forth with flirts and this is pure gold. I’m so happy right now. Annndd my t.v. cut out…5 minutes later I’m back and I missed it. Mick Foley is out here now, I imagine to make the match for later.  And I’m correct. It’s like I’ve seen wrestling before. And that match is Next.

Y2J and Charlotte vs. Enzo and Sasha. Side note, Dean Ambrose will be on the next Stone Cold Podcast.  My son is being amazed by the vacuum right now, it’s amazing being 8 months old. While we are on commercial I would just like to say that if this is how Raw is going to be in the New Era, I like it. No Stephanie McMahon taking up the first 15 minutes of Raw talking about nothing, no Roman Reigns crappy promo talking about one vs. all and how the world is always against him and blah blah blah. We start Raw with people that matter, setting up stories and feuds and then a match with in the first 10 minutes. That’s good stuff. That’s what wrestling shows should be.

Back from break and the match is started, Kevin Owens is out on the announce panel, I’m not really sure what the purpose is other than talking about how Enzo interrupted him during the Draft Center special. In the ring, or more so outside the ring, Enzo and Banks act like synchronized swimmers and dive out of the ring to take out the opposing team and take us right back to break. I’m guessing that Owens is going to run in and attack Enzo later in the match. And Sling just rewound it to Mick Foley. What the fuck is going on, why are you ruining my life Sling? I guess it shouldn’t have to buffer again and I can pay attention to the match instead of trying to figure out what Owens is doing. Okay so now I’m starting the match over and Enzo and Y2J are going at it. Enzo hits some pretty good moves and sends Jericho crawling, literally, to his partner. Now the ladies are going at it, and they trade pin attempts before she tags back in Jericho and we are back to them knocking the bad guys out of the ring and taking them out for the commercial.

Lesnar is here tonight, F.Y.I. I’m sure they will be showing that 50 times before he is on T.V. I think it’s slightly funny how he failed all those test for PEDs in UFC but they won’t be punishing him in WWE, yes it’s UFC but you just had Roman Reigns come back from a 30-day suspension for Adderall and Lesnar is a way bigger star then him, I think there should be some kind of punishment. Just makes you look bad. Perhaps he will lose against Orton at Summerslam.

Back to the match and Y2J is in control, slapping Enzo around and tried to hit a running bulldog that Enzo turned into throwing him in to the turnbuckle. More back and forth but Enzo gets caught into the Walls of Jericho but he gets to the ropes and leaps off into a sick dropkick from y2J! The girls are in it now, Sasha with the double knee drop in the corner and look, here comes Troll Brookes! Sasha knocks her down, smacks the shit out of Jericho and gets hit with the Natural Selection for the loss. Jericho hits Enzo with the code-breaker which brings out Big Cass for the save as Jericho rolls out of the ring.

We get to hear from Finn Balor later in an interview with Cole. Great, I have to not only listen to Cole but now I have to look at him? Gag me with a spoon. Right here, in the 1990’s! The Bella twins won some award at the Kids choice awards, good job. And now another enchantment match for Braun Strowman, I’m glad they are bringing these back, and the fact that they interview them before they get destroyed is pure gold. Um, Braun throws this dude around, hits that sweet ass Reverse Chokeslam for the win in like, 12 seconds. Strowmen can be a pretty big deal if they play it the right way.

 And now here is the McMahon segment but hey, at least Mark Henry is getting more T.V. time, telling them that he is going to reopen the of Pain before he hangs up the tights. I really liked him during that run. He has a match with the U.S. Champ later. But now we have to get ready for some Golden Truth, still playing Pokemon Go. To be honest, I don’t much care for them but they are somewhat of a comic relief. And they are wrestling The Los Matadors, a.k.a. The Shining Stars. Truth is too busy to playing and the S.S. win. Honestly, that’s the sum up of the match. The roll-up of Doom. Up next is the Balor interview.

Finn Balor has a new entrance now, I liked his old one but they stuck to the same music, just more metal sound to it. Balor needs looser shorts; I don’t need to see that junk. WHY DO YOU LOOK SO SAD ALL THE TIME!!?!?!? Dude wins the award for saddest eyes in the world. Balor gets interrupted by his Summerslam opponent, out comes Seth Rollins. The man who never lost the championship. Thank you Rollins, he kicks Cole out of the ring and takes over the interview. Rollins brags that he was the first NXT Champ, First Draft pick, He beat Roman First. Basically he calls Finn a second Seth Rollins. Now they go back and forth with insults and claims about being the first Universal champ. Finn points a whole lot at Seth, it’s distracting.  Seth is facing Sami Zayn later on. Good grief Finn looks like he cries all the time with those sad eyes. Rollins tries to attack Finn but Finn turns it around and Cole calls it the something other than the Pele Kick, which it’s not..it’s the Pele kick you “Stupid Idiot”.

Next is Mark Henry vs. Rusev for the title. It’ll be interesting to see how they go about this since he basically said he was going on one last run before calling it quits. I love that teddy bear Rusev though, and beings that he and Lana just got married, I imagine they will set it up for a title shot at Summerslam where Henry wins it so that Rusev and his new wife can have a honeymoon break. But that’s just what I think is going to happen. It’s not like I’ve been right about anything else on the show so far…

Alright, Lana is standing in the ring in a wedding dress, bringing out her husband.  These two are super cute, not gonna lie. SOMEBODY GONNA GET THEIR ASS KICKED. Out comes the barrel of a man, Mark Henry. I think he has one of the coolest theme songs.  USA Chants out for Mark as he goes against the Bulgarian Brute. Henry starts the match out tossing the champ around the ring, it’s been a while since he’s faced anyone as big as Mark Henry. Henry hangs Rusev in the ropes and then squashes him straight to a commercial break. Back from break and Rusev is in control trying to put Mark Henry in the Accolade but um, Henry is the size of a fridge so good luck. Rusev hits a lovely kick to the back of the head and now he locks in the Accolade and Henry taps. Rusev grabs the mic and trashes America, uhg, here comes Groanam Reigns with his manly new beard. It’s crazy what 30 days off with no Adderall will do. They go at it and Roman knocks Rusev out with a nice Superman punch. However, did anyone notice how quickly he got up to run away right after getting hit? It took him 2 seconds to get up and run up the ramp. But yet in a match, that shit finishes matches? Way to go, Raw.

Oh yaayyyy a Nia Jax promo. It’s amazing what being related to the Rock does. It’s something we haven’t seen before…just ask the man who was just on t.v. or the Uso brothers.  She’s gonna have an enhancement match later I’m guessing, just like last week. And without being a hypocrite let me say this, while I think enhancement matches work, like Braun had earlier, they just don’t work with Nia. Because she has zero charisma. They should have gone with the same angle they did with Awesome Kong before she ruined her chance in WWE by getting a baby put inside her. Have her come in and destroy women who are already over with the fans, not people that no one knows, because she doesn’t have the same presence in the ring that Braun does.

Anyways, we are back from break with Titus vs. Darren Young. Former tag partners going at it, Titus missed a chop by a foot.  He made a good point in asking, when was Darren Young great to begin with? Titus is pwning Young, throwing him across the ring like a sack of potatoes. Titus just needs a new gimmick and he could be a contender for the Universal title. Titus mocks Young some more and Young almost gets something together but Titus rolls him up with a handful of tights.  I actually hope that these two get in a program with each other.

Backstage Mick and Steph are talking before Shamus runs in. But the best wrestler on Raw interrupts, Cesaro!  They touch on the fact that both of them mentioned how they wished they were on Smackdown. And now we are set up for a match between Shamus and Cesaro. That should be good as Shamus is a damn stiff worker and Cesaro is a wrestling god.

Nia Jacks is on her way out to the ring though. One a more exciting note, im super excited about the Cruiserweight division. Darren Young attacks Titus in the back while he’s yelling at Bob Backland. That was Random. Let’s see how this squash match goes. Nia Jax isn’t that good.  She missed a few moves, hit a big slam and got the pin. Byron is in the match asking her how it feels to be in the WWE ring and she just turns and hits the poor girl that she just squashed.

Now an interview with Sami Zayn. He talks about his match coming up. Oh and look, I just mentioned this in my previous blog about the draft, The New Day just draw to see which one wouldn’t be able to go out to the ring for the match against The Club, and imagine that, it’s Xavier Woods sitting on the bench.  I’m not even going to comment on this. Sometimes I hate being right. For those keeping track though, I was wrong about Mark Henry, so there’s that.

The Club vs. The New Day is next, and I have to wonder where they are going with The Club. If they are keeping them as a two-man team, that’s more of just a friendship, not a club. Or as I talked to Kevin about the other day, Finn Balor was once the man of the Club, maybe they could tie that in since A.J is on Smackdown. In the ring, Kofi brings up how they have to get rid of one of the members for the match. Xavier Wood’s family is out there as this is his home town, so we will see if he actually sits this out. Oh I was wrong again! The Club is actually billed as just Anderson and Gallows. Big E and Anderson start it out, Anderson destroyed Big E with a knee. Gallows comes in and goodness he has the tendency to be awkward in the ring. Anderson and Gallows take too much time to brag and Anderson gets rolled up for the victory. They beat up the New Day and back comes Woods, only to get dropped as soon as he gets down the ramp. They hit Big E with 2 Boots of Doom and here comes Woods! And there goes Woods. Jesus, they just buried Woods in his home town.  Anderson and Gallows are dismantling The New Day. Who did they piss off? I don’t understand!

Okay, on a happier note, my favorite team, America Alphas, debuts tomorrow on Smackdown and A.J. Styles is probably going to #BeatupJohnCena.  I’ll be doing my review of that tomorrow night too, so I hope you enjoy more TL;DR blogs.

We’re back to Raw now and they are nice enough to show the burial of Woods and destruction of The New Day. They are in the trainer’s room trying to help Big E, and suddenly the announcers go to serious voice about how terrible it was for them to do that. But yet they cheer and get excited any other time. 

Cesaro vs. Shamus is next, they are starting to focus more about the past injuries of these two for some reason, but these two start out trading holds and knock downs and now uppercuts. The prettiest uppercuts in the world are delivered by Cesaro.  Here comes the “Uppercut Train” but Shamus slides out of the ring but gets hit with a flying man as Cesaro leaps off the apron.  Shamus with the Bedlam Drum followed by a clothesline. Shoulder tackle from Shamus and a kick out at 2. All of his moves look like they friggin’ hurt! Standing suplex to Shamus and more back and forth between the two but it’s been kind of one sided. As I say that, Cesaro hits a beaut of a springboard uppercut. Cesaro gets a tilt-a-whirl reversal into the neutralizer and picks up the win for a shot later on at the U.S. title.

That’s exciting. I really hope they put the belt on him. Back from break and security is pulling Shamus and Cesaro apart. But it’s interrupted by Heath Slater and Jinder Mahal in the ring talking about being undrafted, I guess it makes sense to have Jinder stuck with Slater since no one really cares about either. Foley comes out and says they will have to fight each other for a contract and Jinder kicks Heath Slaters head clean off his shoulders for a contract. Good. I hope they can do something with him. I’m pretty sure no one will really care either way. Just bring back Damien Sandow. Please.

They show a replay of the opening match, and I just realized I was wrong again, Kevin Owens had nothing to do with the match except for being on commentary. Jericho is in the back making fun of Enzo and Cass. He mentioned that if Enzo has someone to watch his back, this he has someone too. And look its Kevin Owens! It looks like I was right all along! I’m not a Stupid Idiot! Up next is Sami Zayn and Seth Rollins. Looks like they are seriously saving Brock Lesnar for the main event slot, which means, if I can calculate my numbers real quick, umm…this match isn’t going to get much time since there is only 20 minutes left.

Rollins is actually coming out first and by the time he gets to the ring, I would be surprised if Zayn even makes it to the ring before Brock comes out.  And here comes Zayn, he’s made it to the ring, wooo! But he’s taking his sweet time getting ready. Bell rings and they lock up. Rollins gets him to the corner and beats him down. Works the ropes, Sami with a flying kick. They are really going around the ropes. On the outside Sami hits a nice Moonsault off the barricade! Now Rollins slams Zayn into the barricade twice before throwing him back into the ring. Hard whip into the corner knocks Sami down. Sami gets hung up on the ropes and is knocked out of the ring again. We have 10 minutes left and we go to commercial? Well, nice to see they changed the format for the first 2 hours of the show, but this last hour has gone by the books according to old Raw.

Back from break and Seth Rollins is still in control. He hits a slingblade and holds up his arms, he has a sick bruise on his bicep. He hits the corner powerbomb but Zayn bounces back with a clothesline. Still no Lesnar. Sami almost gets the win and then hits the blue thunder bomb! Two count, Rollins is looking super beat up. Bruising all over the place. Rollins goes for the pedigree but Sami hits the DDT and goes for the Hulluva kick but Rollins rolls out of the ring only to catch a dive from Zayn. These two are actually putting on a great match. Sami misses the kick again and Seth hits the pedigree for the win. Great match glad I was wrong about the time. I forgot that my Sling kicked me back a good ten minutes at the beginning of the show.

Puff Daddy is going to be guest staring on Raw next week, but for now, Paul Heyman is standing in the ring. Finally. Out comes Brock Lesnar! My wife is going crazy. She loves this cave man. I had heard that Paul hadn’t resigned his contract, and was dreading Brock on the mic, but Paul is here, so that is great. He talks up his client, Brock Lesnar, saying he will entertain us at Summerslam with his own form of entertainment. Violence. Heyman knows that he can get away with just about anything simply because they are a packaged deal so he tears on WWE and then gets to Randy Orton. They are billing this as a RKO vs. Suplex City. Haha, Paul really likes to throw the Jew card at us. I’m sure he’ll hear about that, since Brock got in trouble for saying he “had to feed the Jew” during the Stone Cold Podcast. OUT OF NOWHERE RANDY ORTON HITS AN RKO!!!! He runs back out through the crows as security rushes the ring and now the locker room comes out since Randy is a Smackdown superstar. The show comes to an end with Orton standing in the crowd, taunting Raw and Brock Lesnar.

That does it for the show, all in all I would rate this an 8 out of 10 for Raw, I see now why they had to save the Brock segment for the end, I just didn’t know if they were going to be keeping Orton and Lesnar away from each other since they are on different brands. I imagine that Tomorrow night, Brock will make a surprise visit to Smackdown and get his pay back. I’m looking forward to seeing Owens and Jericho team up against Enzo and Cass, the gold that will happen on the mic will be the greatest thing since I woke up this morning. They furthered the Sasha/Charlotte storyline with Sasha taking a dirty lose against her opponent later this month and I’m actually looking forward to seeing Titus and Darren Young go at it. I am however, sad that The New Day got destroyed like they did though, had that not happened the way it did, I probably would have given it a 9 out of ten. Anyways, The Smackdown review won’t be nearly as long since it’s only 2 hours (Praise Jezus) Thanks for letting me waste your time!