Okay so I haven’t done this in a long time. I don’t think I’ve blogged since November. But have no fear, it’s the biggest week of the year for wrestling fans, so I decided I should pop in and say hello. Given that I’m the wrestling writer for this site, I suppose I should say a few words. But my life has changed much since last we spoke and my attitude is not a pleasant one, not when it comes to wrestling. So let’s try this!
WELCOME TO THE ANGRY GUY WRESTLEMANIA PREVEIW
Let’s jump straight into it.
The Andre the Giant Battle Royal
This is the throw away match for all of the people that they wanted to put into wrestlemania but simply couldn’t find a way to fit them in, because you know, old timers need a main event spot. So far they have only announced 4 people for it, but it’s there is still a week left so everyone will be throwing their names in. Really though, nothing ever happens when you win it, just ask Cesaro. Or Baron Corbin.
Winner: Braun Strowman and he isn’t even in it yet.
Winner if Braun Strowman isn’t in it: Mojo Rawley
Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Cesaro & Sheamus (Raw Tag Team Championship Triple Threat Match)
The Club has looked pretty strong lately and fans are starting to get behind them, so since it’s Raw, Enzo and Cass will win it. Why? Because growing stale with the same promo and trash talking (skywalking) doesn’t matter. Wrestling ability doesn’t matter, because Cesaro and Sheamus would win if it did. No, what matters over there on Raw is who gets the most people to say their catch phrase. And you can’t really teach that.
Plot twist though! The next night on Raw, Cesaro and Sheamus win them back again because man…these guys are clicking more then a crackhead on a binge.
Winners: Enzo Amore & Big Cass
WWE Cruiserweight Champion Neville vs. Austin Aries
Man, Austin Aries is amazing. But heel Neville is amazing too. The shire is really missing out with him being gone to destroy the ring. Unfortunately for Neville, Austin Aries is the Greatest Man Who Ever Lived both in the ring and at the announcers table. Man he’s great. He wins hands down. But on the off chance that he does lose, not only would Neville be set as for sure amazing but Austin Aries will stay off 205 live and go straight to Raw. But he wins and makes 205 actually matter past two people on it.
Winner: Austin Aries
SmackDown Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss to defend against all SmackDown women who are available to compete
Man, if that isn’t ambiguous, I don’t know what is. There are so many options here but I’m going to go with the home town girl who had to give up the title after Elimination Chamber, Naomi. If it’s anyone else, I think that the Florida crowd will riot and everyone will die. But it will probably be Eva Marie, because who cares what the fans think, right?
Intercontinental Champion Dean Ambrose vs. Baron Corbin
This is a hard one. My wife says Dean Ambrose but she is still learning this wrestling game. Although I did have to ask her something wrestling related a second ago. I say Baron Corbin. I think that they have built him up to big for him to lose. Plus, Dean Ambrose needs to be back in the main title hunt. Baron Corbin is a beast, even with his sad smile belly and I feel like they have done an early Lesnar treatment, except just focused on Dean Ambrose, Ziggler and Kalisto instead of early Brock just destroying the whole locker room until he got the title.
John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse
Talk about a match I never thought I would care about but suddenly it’s one of the most anticipated matches for me. The Miz has been absolutely killing Cena on the mic. He is actually at the best he has ever been, unfortunately it’s rumored to be Nikki’s last match for a long time as well as Cena going out to film more movies. It’s also rumored that he will finally propose to Nikki after this match so, unless they go for a pity proposal to make up for them losing, it will be a decent match but John Bella will win.
Winners: John Cena & Nikki Bella
United States Champion Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens
There are 3 matches on this card that absolutely infuriate me and this one is number 2. This match should be for the universal title. Just going to throw that out there. But luckily, this match could be for the last hot dog in the package and it would still be the most entertaining match on the card. Chris Jericho has been the best Chris we have ever seen with this whole best friends angle, and once he lost the title, Owens finally went back to angry “Fight Owens Fight” Kevin and it has been glorious. Shout out to Bobby Rooooooooode. Owens wins it after telling the saddest story in the world with Y2J.
Winner: Kevin Owens
Raw Women’s Champion Bayley vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax (Fatal 4-Way Match)
Anyone who knows me, knows I will always pick my girl Bayley no matter who she’s wrestling. What I think and hope is going to come out of this is Sasha turning on Bayley and Nia Jax getting to work with someone who can carry just about anyone, Charlotte. They have been setting up the Sasha turn for a while now and I’m pretty sure it will come when Bayley wins and Sasha claims that she stole her WrestleMania moment. Jax will flip out on Flair for costing her or vice versa. Either way, I might start caring about Nia Jax. Or since it’s Raw, they will dress Roman Reigns as a woman and make up a Money in the Bank briefcase for Shim to cash in on the match.
Triple H vs. Seth Rollins in an unsanctioned match
This one isn’t listed on the page but it will happen none-the-less. Seth Rollins will win, Hach will bleed, Seth will ruin his knee again, and we will all forget about it.
<!– Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles
Spotfest alert! Shane McMahon is going to kill himself in this match. Probably figuratively, most also a chance of a legit death here. This is match number 3 that pisses me off about WrestleMania. And the fact that it’s from Smackdown makes me even more upset. Shane McMahon has no right tying up the biggest star in the company because he wants to have his 4203847209 WrestleMania moment. There isn’t a cell for him to jump off of, but he did take a pretty nasty bump jumping through the table on last weeks SD. AJ Styles is the best performer in the world right now, he deserves to be in the Main Event.
Winner: AJ Styles
Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns
As much as I hate to say this, Roman Reigns has to win this. He has to be The Undertakers last match. I love the man just as much as the next, but he is getting up there in the years and is moving around like it as well. Plus that would get Reigns over finally. People will still boo him and say he sucks, but there will be some respect thrown with his name.
PLOT TWIST! They add Strowman to the match to help carry it, but Reigns still pins the Undertaker.
Winner: Roman Reigns
WWE Champion Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton
I am so freaking happy, you guys! I have supported Wyatt since they repackaged him from Husky Harris and had him tormenting people in NXT. For the longest time, I would get angry when they buried him in any match for the title. They would put him in amazing feuds, but then he would just get destroyed in the PPV match. But then they finally gave him the title at Elimination Chamber and it has been wonderful ever since. The turn with Orton was kind of lack luster but it worked. Burning down Brays shrine to Sister Abigail was pretty great. I don’t believe that Randy will win here. I also don’t believe that Bray will have a clean victory over Orton. Harper is still out in the air on which way he is going to go. Sure sure he is on this “I hate Bray” trip but it’s the Wyatt family and he has been a day one guy. Eric Rowan is supposed to come back as well, sometime soon, so he could interfere, bringing out Luke Harper, causing a distraction and letting Bray pin Randy. Randy doesn’t need another title. We already know he’s great and this isn’t Raw.
Winner: Bray Wyatt
Universal Champion Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar
Can you guess what match is my Number 1 on the “Why I hate wrestling” list? It’s this match.
Lesnar wins in 5 minutes
Winner: Brock Lesnar
The fans lose. The crowd loses. The guys in the back who have busted their ass for the entire year trying to get on the card but can’t because there are two part timers who have no reason wrestling in the main event, loses. I was indifferent about Goldberg when he came back. I was never a fan when he was in WCW, but I could see the reasoning for bringing him back for a throw away rematch with Lesnar at a PPV that wasn’t the biggest of the year. But the dude friggin’ busted himself up coming to the ring and admitted that he gave himself a concussion. He’s tired by the time he gets to the ring and can’t even wrestle longer then 1 minute 22 seconds. They completely buried Kevin Owens and all the work they did over the last 6 months to make him look like a champion, just because they felt like this match needed to have the title and be the main event. And you know what’s going to happen? Goldberg will show up on Raw the next night and say he is done. Lesnar will show up twice a month but not defend his title for two months before Finn Balor takes it from him. I swore off Monday night Raw because of this one idea. I swore it off the moment Goldberg beat Kevin Owens in less then a minute and a half.
There are a few names that are missing from this whole preview that I’m hoping the next week will sort out. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Sami Zayn vs. Samoa Joe added, another Cruiserweight match involving Brian Kendrick and Jack Gallagher in a tag match, and as of right now, there is no Smackdown Tag team match set up…we will probably see American Alpha call for their rematch and it will be stuck on the opener. Because you know…Goldberg.
I will break my Raw protest the night after though because the Raw after WrestleMania is usually just as good, if not better then WrestleMania. But then again, it’s Raw, so they will probably just make us watch 3 hours of Vince McMahon pleasuring himself.